EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Darren Wilson, The Missouri Cop Who Started a Movement

Apple Peddler Restaurant

White City, Oregon

Me: How are the deviled eggs?

Darren: Pretty good. I try to get here for the lunch buffet.

Me: Smart. All you can eat.

Darren: As you can see I’ve been taking advantage. I’ve gained 70 pounds since I shot that kid.

Me: Wouldn’t it be weird if I started choking and you had to do the Heimlich maneuver on me? People would think you were trying to kill another black guy.

Darren: You got me confused with Staten Island. That would be funny, but I’d let you die. I hate black people.

Me: I don’t hate you, yet. Have you been able to find any work since the shooting?

Darren: Well, I hate you, you smug son of a bitch. I wouldn’t mind blowing your brains out in the parking lot, but, as they say in the hood, 'latah fo' dat!' Hell yes, I’ve found work. Out here I’m training the KKK and other progressively minded individuals on how to join police departments when you don’t read so good. There is a lot of networking involved, but the network of police brass on our side is growing.

Me: I’m starting to hate you now, but can I do the training?

Darren: Sorry, no niggers, white officer candidates only.

Me: Who do you practice chokeholds and nightstick techniques on?

Darren: Mexicans.

Me: I guess that makes sense. But do they really prepare you for the tall black guys?

Darren: It’s a real problem that I’ve addressed with my students. I’ve also been a real hit on the white supremacist speaking circuit. Great BBQ’s, awesome music. Being divorced for so long I forgot what women were like, but I’m getting hundreds of love letters from beautiful white women, most are in prison, but I got a thing for conjugal visits.

Me: When you were in high school your mom got busted for fraud, what did your friends say?

Darren: I never had many friends. I was just pissed she stole all that money and gave it all to her scumbag boyfriend. He used to make me watch him and my mom screw.

Me: Police in Missouri have been beating, robbing and killing civilians forever. Why did you get singled out?

Darren: It’s that damn internet. I was doing what I was trained to do! If the perp is black, Provoke! Punch! Choke! Shoot! It’s not rocket science, it was our precinct motto. I’m just glad they appreciate my training here in White City.

Me: It always feels good to give back. Are you afraid of the Black Guerrilla Family? They are shooting cops all over, like the 1970’s.

Darren: Gorillas don’t shoot so good.

Me: Why do cops yell at people instead of talking?

Darren: We are trying to provoke the nigger into doing something stupid, you know, talking back, cussing, anything that will get the nightstick in motion. I know the cuffs are going on when I get out of my car, I just want as much justification as possible to inflict harm before they do. I do want to go on record saying those officers in New York took it too far when they put that plunger up that nigger’s butt. Not only could they have gotten AIDS, but that’s just gross. You don’t see those guys at any of the rallies I speak at. No way.

Me: It’s good they have standards on that circuit. What bands have been your favorites?

Darren: Well, even though he looks Mexican, I liked Wayne Newton. Billy Idol was pretty good. He played that song about his sister marrying a nigger.

Me: White wedding. You really look like you want to shoot me in the face.

Darren: I do. I get real angry when niggers speak better English than me.

Me: You don’t need to shoot me, your breath from those eggs is a death sentence.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: ON THE LAM WITH HAYAT BOUMEDDIENE - THE RECLUSIVE FUGITIVE BARES ALL

McDonald’s Restaurant

Whitehorn, California

Me: Thanks for meeting me. I know there is a lot of heat on you. Are you going to blow up this restaurant?

Hayat: You’re welcome. No, I am trying to get a job here.

Me: I see you have an application.

Hayat: I have management potential. I used to be a cashier.

Me: Wasn’t Amedy jealous when you were working out in public, even though you were plotting a mass murder together?

Hayat: He would beat the HELL out of me! That’s why I had to wear that damn hijab! I was covered in bruises.

Me: You still looked pretty cute shooting that crossbow. You are going back to the service industry, what else?

Hayat: I am looking to marry someone with a decent job, like Mr. Rosenstein, the manager here at McDonald’s. He has just been divorced by his wife. These terrorists I’ve been going with have the worst jobs; janitor, delivery boy. I want someone with prestige, especially in America.

Me: Will your terrorist background get in the way? He is probably Jewish. Will you convert?

Hayat: The mullahs back in Algeria say I have to go “deep cover.” They made me watch every episode of The Americans on Showtime instead of memorizing the Koran.

Me: How did you get here?

Hayat: Serbians. They run whores for Snoop Dogg, the rapper, Osama Bin Laden footed the bill.

Me: He’s alive? I thought so.

Hayat: Of, course. Did you see a body?

Me: Your disguise is impressive. I like the used pantsuit.

Hayat: I try to look like Hillary Clinton when I go on job interviews. Our operatives scour the WASPiest thrift stores.

Me. What if it doesn’t work out with Mr. Rosenstein?

Hayat: I am on Tinder and OkCupid.

Me: Too bad you can’t use those crossbow photos. Guys would like those around here. There are lots of elk and other wild animals in the woods. You could be the new Sarah Palin.

Hayat: She is cool. She had the courage to love a dark skinned American Negro from Alaska when she was in high school.

Me: Are you going to chop my head off after this interview?

Hayat: I will if Mr. Rosenstein tells me to, unless you marry me first.

Me: Can I have other wives?

Hayat: If you can afford them.

Me: What was it like in the Jewish supermarket with the hostages? 

Hayat: Officially, I was never there. But, I’ll tell you since you just proposed. It smelled awful, like pickles and cheap cheese. The hostages, they never stopped complaining, Amedy would have held out longer, but the hostages, especially the older women, they drove him crazy. I suppose you want to know about my life with him. Like I said, boring. One vacation to Malaysia where he pretended to be some kind of Koranic scholar. Sure, back in France, I got to be the girl on the arm of the guy who met Sarkozy, but all that went to his head. Those teen boys at the mosque started fawning over him, Amedy couldn’t resist. Every one of the terror guys I got with learned sex from uncles, brothers, cousins — some of them don’t see a girl naked until wedding day.

Me: Other terrorists blow up actual trains full of infidels, isn’t it kind of dorky to go out with a terrorist who bombed a train museum?

Hayat: The girls at the mosque and the hair salon used to give me crap about that all the time. Do you see their bitch faces on CNN, Reuters, Al Jazeera? Funny guys are better in bed. Amedy had no sense of humor.

Me: What do you mean?

Hayat: I mean blowing up the train museum was funny, but Amedy didn’t see it that way. He joined GIA, started his “training”. He lost his sense of humor, started beating the boys he used for sex when he tired of beating me.

Me: Are you saying the humiliation of getting arrested after the train museum bombing led to the demise of your relationship?

Hayat: He would beat them worse if he thought they liked me.

Me: That’s a serious love triangle. When you were being interrogated by French police, did you think you might spend the rest of your life in prison?

Hayat: Never, I was drinking tea, smoking, telling them their informants were terrorists and drug dealers. They ask questions, if you shut up, they are suspicious, if you talk and talk they want to smoke and take a break, especially the French.