Apple Peddler Restaurant
White City, Oregon
Me: How are the deviled eggs?
Darren: Pretty good. I try to get here for the lunch buffet.
Me: Smart. All you can eat.
Darren: As you can see I’ve been taking advantage. I’ve gained 70 pounds since I shot that kid.
Me: Wouldn’t it be weird if I started choking and you had to do the Heimlich maneuver on me? People would think you were trying to kill another black guy.
Darren: You got me confused with Staten Island. That would be funny, but I’d let you die. I hate black people.
Me: I don’t hate you, yet. Have you been able to find any work since the shooting?
Darren: Well, I hate you, you smug son of a bitch. I wouldn’t mind blowing your brains out in the parking lot, but, as they say in the hood, 'latah fo' dat!' Hell yes, I’ve found work. Out here I’m training the KKK and other progressively minded individuals on how to join police departments when you don’t read so good. There is a lot of networking involved, but the network of police brass on our side is growing.
Me: I’m starting to hate you now, but can I do the training?
Darren: Sorry, no niggers, white officer candidates only.
Me: Who do you practice chokeholds and nightstick techniques on?
Darren: Mexicans.
Me: I guess that makes sense. But do they really prepare you for the tall black guys?
Darren: It’s a real problem that I’ve addressed with my students. I’ve also been a real hit on the white supremacist speaking circuit. Great BBQ’s, awesome music. Being divorced for so long I forgot what women were like, but I’m getting hundreds of love letters from beautiful white women, most are in prison, but I got a thing for conjugal visits.
Me: When you were in high school your mom got busted for fraud, what did your friends say?
Darren: I never had many friends. I was just pissed she stole all that money and gave it all to her scumbag boyfriend. He used to make me watch him and my mom screw.
Me: Police in Missouri have been beating, robbing and killing civilians forever. Why did you get singled out?
Darren: It’s that damn internet. I was doing what I was trained to do! If the perp is black, Provoke! Punch! Choke! Shoot! It’s not rocket science, it was our precinct motto. I’m just glad they appreciate my training here in White City.
Me: It always feels good to give back. Are you afraid of the Black Guerrilla Family? They are shooting cops all over, like the 1970’s.
Darren: Gorillas don’t shoot so good.
Me: Why do cops yell at people instead of talking?
Darren: We are trying to provoke the nigger into doing something stupid, you know, talking back, cussing, anything that will get the nightstick in motion. I know the cuffs are going on when I get out of my car, I just want as much justification as possible to inflict harm before they do. I do want to go on record saying those officers in New York took it too far when they put that plunger up that nigger’s butt. Not only could they have gotten AIDS, but that’s just gross. You don’t see those guys at any of the rallies I speak at. No way.
Me: It’s good they have standards on that circuit. What bands have been your favorites?
Darren: Well, even though he looks Mexican, I liked Wayne Newton. Billy Idol was pretty good. He played that song about his sister marrying a nigger.
Me: White wedding. You really look like you want to shoot me in the face.
Darren: I do. I get real angry when niggers speak better English than me.
Me: You don’t need to shoot me, your breath from those eggs is a death sentence.
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